Today is October 15th, 2012 and it is a really memorable day for me today… 2 years ago to this day I signed my divorce papers. It was a friday and we had been arguing over petty things getting them re-written over and over again. Sick of it dragging out I called up my ex and said I would meet him at the attorney’s office to sign the papers. It is a day I think I will remember for a long time; not forever because I think in a few more years it will be something that comes and goes without much attention to the actual day just more than lesson I learned from my whole experience together. After I walked out of the attorney’s office I drove to a park and sat in my car and cried. I felt WORTHLESS! I thought of all the things I had done wrong in my marriage, all the things I wish I was so he wouldn’t have made the decision to leave, what I could have done differently…. then I got mad! How dare he leave how dare he disregard his vows! How dare he be so unforgiving of my misdeeds and not realize he has them of his own…. this kind of spirit brought more toxicity to me then the self-doubt. Luckily I have amazing friends and family and at the time was seeing an amazing therapist who encouraged me to not reflect on the anger so much and to focus my energy onto more important things. Looking at this as a fresh start! For anyone who has been divorced the first little while is a bit of a shock… although I was not married long I did grow accustom to the lifestyle marriage brought. The comfort of always having a partner (whether we got along or not) the constant personal validation (which is shallow and not deep enough for true self-worth) I think I walked around in a bit of a self-destructive daze for about 8 months after October 15, 2010. Well come summer 2011 My best friend Kim and I decided neither of us were happy with multiple things in our life and we were changing that! We got Tracified. Tracy Anderson is a celeb trainer and she is amazing! I had gained a lot of weight from my divorce trying to not care and in my so called “self-destructive bubble” forgot to take care of myself in many areas; spiritually, emotionally, and physically. This tore hard on my self esteem and friends and family around me knew it. I have always since high school been pretty confident in my body almost to a fault (of course I had those 5-10 vanity pounds EVERY girl has) but it came at a high price when I was stripped of my “bikini body”. Before I married I was first to take my swim cover off and prance around in my bathing suit! I felt beautiful, sexy and wanted. I liked the looks and reactions I got. It lead me down an equally self destructive path. So Kim and I began Tracy! We were both having amazing results… And then I met a boy…… let’s call him Jack to keep his identity anonymous. Jack and I met through a mutual friend and he had seen pictures of us together on her FB page. He thought I was cute and added me. We began talking and had instant chemistry. We made plans to go out. We went out on a date and it was awesome! We went out a second time! Awesome! And then a third date. Third times a charm right? Well not in this case. On this date we were watching a movie cuddling and we had just kissed. After the movie he said he needed to talk to me about something. He stated that while he had looked through pictures of me he thought I was very attractive and was eager to meet. Then he said when we met I was “different”. “Different I asked? How so” I knew what he was getting at but I wanted him to say it. “Physically, your bigger” WACK! this blow hit me over the head like a sledge hammer! Ya I am bigger no duh dr. doolittle thank you for pointing out my HUGE insecurity! Then he continued, ” I just feel bad for you because you are such a pretty girl and you are trapped in this body that doesn’t relay a good message. And I just feel like I need to tell you that I don’t think this is going to work I am not physically attracted to what you look like now” Now ok I know I had gained a lot of weight But I didn’t think I was this morbidly obese person and I was working on it and felt better! At this point I wanted to cry… No one likes feeling vulnerable especially someone they aren’t close with. I had just been assaulted with one of the most hurtful things I was aware of and then he asked, “what happened to you?” Wow I was hurt! I started laughing to keep from crying and came up with some quick answer and then told him I had to leave… the whole way home I cried…. If he felt this way why did take me out 3 times, kiss me and then feel the need to destroy any shred of self-esteem I had? But the thing that made me most mad was he destroyed all focus of myself being happy. Kim and I had come along way with Tracy and I felt happier, more energy and I was losing the weight that had been on for so long! Now I don’t want to say bad things about this boy…. But here is an issue I HATE in our society. Why do we feel it is our need to call out everyone’s inadequacies? I am well aware of mine and pretty sure others are too! It is bullying and is not acceptable. I know physical attraction is important in dating and I know that everyone is attracted to different traits…. but if you aren’t is acceptable to be rude, or ignore those who you don’t find attractive or better yet to tell them after 3 dates, a misleading kiss to have a conversation to say because you are “bigger” now I am not attracted to you? NO Today I watched the video of the news anchor called “fat” Jennifer Livingston. I know I am a little out of the loop but I thought of how amazed and impressed I was by her! She was so articulate and well-educated with her response to the email about her not being a “picture of health” she even said I am not the picture of health nor do I claim to be. She later was on Ellen and said some of the experts are saying bullying has to be a trend, more than once, a repeated act…. Bullying even once is unacceptable… Race, Gender, Lifestyle, hair color, clothing preference, financial status these and so much more are subjects of bullying. Whether she is too pretty, too ugly, too skinny, too fat, etc. It is not OK! There was a girl I went to high school with. She was quiet and shy and I regret not befriending her. I knew she may have struggled making friends and although I was unaware I am sure was the target of jokes. My first year of college I remember hearing of her suicide. How sad that this beautiful girl full of potential didn’t feel enough worth in herself to continue living. She was full of opportunity and because of a false ideal society makes us feel we don’t add up to probably felt worthless…. I don’t know the details of her decision and I may never know. But I can assume there are plenty of people who have ended their lives based on feeling inept. WHY are we so hard on each other? I came across this amazing website and organization called beauty redefined. It’s message transcends the masses and tells people you are worth something! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder! I live with 4 girls! With 5 girls living in the house we all have heard each other’s insecurities feelings of doubt and discouragement myself being one of them. One day I was thinking of how different we all are but beautiful! One is super funny, one is fashion forward, one is meek and mild, one is very articulate! These are just a few of the amazing qualities they possess. I wish we could all understand our self-worth is more than what the world tells us. October 15, 2010 I felt worthless…. why? because I had a failed marriage? I am so much more than that! I have learned to value and appreciate other traits I have. I may still not be physically where I want to be and that is ok because goals and aspirations further our growth as people! I have been exercising recently not as much as I should but have grown a new appreciation for my body and what it can do. I read a book called Heaven is Here. In it she states, “I may not have a perfect body but that isn’t what I want… I want a perfect heart” I hope regardless if our inadequacies are physical or internal, visible or invisible we all understand the worth of one is not made through money, beauty, status, intellect or environment. You are a human being! and there are so many things you are capable of! I once read in a book reflecting on the term “human being” isn’t so appropriate maybe it should be human doings! But even more accurate HUMAN BECOMINGS. So become something amazing! Whether you weren’t yesterday or even had a bad morning! Become better! Become you! Become someone of infinite and priceless worth! You’re amazing just the way you are!